Telling not asking
Sometimes people use the above to help the person they are communicating with to understand them, they use their perception of the situation to help, they think, to fix or help fix the situation, this is only their perception. We all perceive the world in a unique and individual way; our perception is developed from things we have been shown, by peer groups, family or our experiences. Perception is fine, it usually keeps us safe and secure, but when we use it to inform others, it seldom helps others – they can perceive this as interfering or controlling. Our perception is only that – a perception. It will never be the other person's reality, we have to have a conversation of what their perception is to find the real reality. Usually when people are moaning about work or friends, they usually just want someone to listen to their gripes or moans, not to fix it. Usually these things cannot be fixed, but we believe we should be the rescuer.
This telling not asking does not validate or respect the other person's position. It can say to the other person ‘what is the point in telling you what I have to say as you are not listening’, creating distance between you both. It also closes dialogue. If a particular situation is off limits, due to this telling and not asking then all that issue will be withdrawn from the communication possibilities between you both. This reducing will not only effect that situation but any other situation that connects not only the circumstances but also the feelings. An example of this would be if someone close to you both died and both of you, not being able to talk or help each other through this process of grief. It may then result in any aspect of loss being off limits, maybe the loss of a job or house etc as this would need you both to re-connect with the original feelings of loss and that would also connect back to the current issue you are going through. This connection or disconnection of feelings alienates us and divides us in lots of areas of our life and therefore also divides our communication process. It is much better to ask than tell, to find the reality and not the perception, as the perception is a possible not an actual. If you follow this process of asking not telling this opens dialogue creates a joining and reinforces the relationship between you both harmony, if you do not then disharmony ensues.
Seventh Ray on 12/09/2011